There were many posts that I created during my pregnancy. Many I felt I should really share and put out there. Things I felt that I thought others might relate to and that I don’t see out there too often. I was just a little nervous knowing how quickly my moods changed, knowing my hormones were raging, knowing that no pregnancy is a cake walk…that I may regret some words I wrote and there is no turning back once they are out there. So I wrote them out, and saved them and told myself I would review when I was in a better place. I am so glad I did.
I want to talk about those things I felt, I want them out there for people to read. I feel like many will be able to relate and possibly even have a laugh at some of the similar feelings…but I’m so glad there are not ten previous posts about the negative feelings I had while making a baby…because one thing I’m certain of now that I wasn’t so certain of before…is the sheer joy I have…the pride I feel…the love that grew and still grows with me every day…here…on the other side of the journey.
You don’t have to love your belly.
I was so scared, so many days that I was going to be a terrible mother because I felt no love for my belly. Maybe it was because I didn’t know the sex of my baby so it made it a little harder to relate, maybe it was because I was watching my body grow in ways that aren’t so flattering or maybe it was just because my life changed and something inside me played a part in every decision I made and it’s hard to give yourself up like that. Whatever the reason, it didn’t matter. I can promise you now that whatever feelings you may have toward your munchkin while they are kicking your ribs…those won’t be the same feeling you have when they lay that baby on top of you. I was so worried I wouldn’t feel the instant connection, the instant love, the instant protective nature…and maybe instant is too strong of a word…maybe that is the word that scares people…you worry that if it doesn’t happen in that millisecond that it means something terrible…but it happens. I’m not sure when, how or what powers come over you…but they do. So to anyone who may be doubting themselves because they don’t lovingly pat their belly and sing songs and glow with every passing day…relax. I promise once there is a face, and fingers and toes…that the world really does change.
Some days I could take on the world…some days I couldn’t get out of bed.
I wish someone warned me about how fast your moods and body could change. I tried to stay active as much as I could through my pregnancy. People told me that if you stay active you have an easier labor (more lies)…but I did try my best not to take a back seat to life just because I had a bump. I was just shocked that no matter how active I tried to stay, some days I really couldn’t stop sleeping…or sitting down…or just trying to move as little as possible. Yet on some other days I felt great and accomplished my to-do list with time to spare. I guess what I’m saying is that growing a human is hard…and even though people told me that…I didn’t quite get it and mostly felt guilty for the days I spent in bed or putting off all possible chores. Knowing now that I was creating this super special being, and seeing all the work that goes with it first hand…I take back any guilt. And I advise any of you to do the same.
I hated my husband…sometimes for the way he swallowed.
Andy is my best friend, my teammate. And he is a good one. But some days when I was pregnant…I really just didn’t like him. I know that there are hormones going on and all sorts of reactions taking place in your body…but I think it was more than that. I think I silently resented him for being able to just continue living his life. I knew that his life was going to change when the baby came, but mine had to change much sooner than that. Sometimes it was hard for me to watch him walk out the door to meet friends, it was hard to let him go play hockey, or hard to carry on a conversation with him when he was a little tipsy and not get annoyed. Even when he was doing kind things, like helping with the laundry…I could easily get mad at the way he always folds it on the dining room table and never puts it in a basket or takes it upstairs. There were so many times I wanted to just tell him I didn’t really like him…but I’m glad I didn’t…well…not every time anyway. I knew my feelings were a little bit ridiculous and I knew he was trying so hard to help and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. So my advice would be…try and check yourself…don’t use your teammate as a punching bag. Andy was a good one, taking a lot of blows that he didn’t always deserve…but it’s not a free pass…and when the baby is here and you need that teammate more than ever…you’re going to glad you didn’t punch the stuffing out.
Family is the greatest gift you will ever have.
This one kind of goes along with the one about my husband. It’s just a reminder not to alienate everyone around you. I know not everyone is lucky enough to have a great bond with their family…but whatever people you do have in your life…keep them close and remind them you love them. I found it’s not easy for them either. You don’t want to bite their head off for telling you that you should get out, walk around, drink more water or go to bed earlier. They love you and they can not carry this baby for you and so they are doing whatever they can, showing love in any way that they can and you would do well to remember that there really will come a time they literally CAN carry this baby for you…and you’re really going to want them to. So best to breath deep…and go fill that glass with more water…it really is good for you.
Every wives tale ever invented to bring on labor…is a LIE
This post that I had previously made was the one I was happiest I didn’t publish. I wasn’t nice…at all. I was very, very overdue with the baby and I had tried every single trick in the book to get her here…but had no luck. I was so very tired, I was in a lot of pain every day, I was worried about the stress I put on my family while they were anxiously waiting every day for the phone call and I just simply did not want to be pregnant for one more day. I drank the castor oil…a lot…I ate the eggplant parm…I walked…I froze…I took the pills (not just orally)…I had the tea…I really did everything that was ever mentioned by anyone and not one thing brought on the labor. So I guess my advice here is go ahead and try it…or don’t. If you have better luck than I did…good for you, but don’t hang your hopes on it and know that I am now just one more person that will tell you “it will all be worth it”…
So that’s what I learned…”it will all be worth it”…because the truth is…that it really is worth it. It’s so hard to see the other side when you don’t even know where exactly the finish line is. It’s also hard to believe when your body feels like it physically can’t go on for one more day. However I’m here to tell you that I am on the other side now, and view is so much better from here. I’m glad I didn’t give so much time to those previous posts about the terrible things we really do go through being pregnant and how hard it can get…because those things…really don’t matter. I know at the time they feel like the only thing that matters but we must remind ourselves, as my mother always did, that it is a gift to be carrying a baby. It is a gift that many are denied and that many pray for every day. It is a gift to grow something in you and is forever a part of you. It is a gift to carry a baby to term…and it is even a gift to carry a baby past term. I hope I remember it next time, because yes there will be a next time for us God willing…and I know that I will have all those crazy and sometimes negative feelings all over again…but I will also know what a beautiful, breath-taking view it is on the other side.