We’ve done the pills. We’ve done the oils. We tracked, we planned, we scheduled. We took meds, we took more meds, we went to doctors, made appointments, went to more doctors and went to more appointments. We did a few rounds of IUI. Turkey basting I like to call it because as soon as you get technical with people they ask what it means anyway. That requires a lot of money, a lot of appointments, a lot of appointments that need to be made and met at certain times. A lot of money…like, more than they tell you. Blood work. Shots. More blood work. Ultrasounds. More ultrasounds. More money. More shots. More money. More shots. More money….
But what I feel like no one talks about…..
More hope. More planning. More trying. More planning. A let down. More hope. More planning. More trying. A let down.
I feel like no one talks about the monthly mourning. It’s a thing. A real thing. Every month. Every single 28 days. A mourning. For a life that should have been. A life that could be. A life that you are dreaming of. Hoping for. Wishing for. A life you’re planning for…a dream you can see…and every 28 days…you have to let go of that dream and try to picture a new one.
It’s hard, the monthly mourning. It’s not something we’re used to doing. As moms already, or as wives or just care takers of our own house or families…we are ‘doers’…we get up and go. We get it done. Yet here we are, collapsed….every 28 days.
It’s a new way to hate yourself. It’s a new way to hate your life and the hand you’ve been dealt. It’s a new way to hate the world and all of the people in it who are gifted baby after baby and you just mourn.
But I’m leaning. Oh, I’m learning. I’m learning it’s also a new way to love yourself. A new way to love your family just the way it is. A new way to appreciate the season you are in. A new way to accept that all things are possible, but what you are living is still an amazing life. A new way to love your spouse and appreciate their support. A new way to love your friends and accept that so many of them have no idea what you’re going through and will always say the wrong thing…..but that’s it’s out of love. A new way to love your life, the weather, the time of year, the new things you can do, the accomplishments you can make…at your job, in your relationships, in your health and in your being. Im trying so hard…and I’m learning.
Every 28 days I have a choice. A choice to mourn and a be sad and depressed, or a choice to learn, grow and try again.
Sometimes I still mourn. I’m trying to just shrink the amount of time I do so. But some months, I’ve gotten to the point of enjoyment. Enjoyment of what this month will bring, even if it’s not my baby. Enjoyment of the baby I have, enjoyment of the life I live, the spouse I married and the air I breathe. I keep choosing to enjoy. And one day I hope to celebrate.
i don’t know what God’s plan is for my family. I don’t know if we will fill it with adoption or if He will give us the baby we are praying for. But I do know, that I am learning how to walk and live and be GRATEFUL in this season. And instead of mourning every 28 days, I am staring to embrace each and every day. It’s an ongoing battle. I have a lot of learning left to do. But the song that is embedded in my heart tells me “joy comes with the morning”….and I can’t help but feel the real meaning is “joy comes with the mourning”…
Dear baby: we are waiting for you. We are hoping and praying for you. Every 28 days we cry that we will have to wait even longer to meet you. But we also know that you will come to us at exactly the right time and In the right way, and we just want you to know we are so excited for that day. So for as long as it takes…for as many mornings I wait and as many mournings we have..we just can’t wait to see you.
We will be here, every 28 days, and for every day after.
ps. If you can relate…..you are not alone.
My baby and family…enjoying THIS season.