The First Posted Fight

It happened weeks ago now.  It was a good size amount of trouble for the almost always calm and happy Cudzilo house.  I had to give it time and space.  I had to wait.  First…it was too fresh and I just felt like I was writing out of emotions I shouldn’t.  Second…it took a long time to finally be over.  Longer than most of our disagreements.  But I didn’t start this blog so that I could only babble.  I wanted real life documentation of my life now….and I wanted to possibly help people.  Maybe there is something to learn here.

We were having a great night….we were hanging out together on a Sunday afternoon.  We were watching t.v. and a girl was on “the voice”.  Andy said “she has a good voice…and she’s thick…like you”.

Fight begins.

Without going into so many details this post becomes some sort of a vent page…I will leave it at that.  That is what he said.  I asked him to explain/repeat himself (trying to give him some room) and he only dug a deeper and deeper hole.  It was bad.

So we went to bed angry (I don’t like to do that…but I didn’t have the energy to talk it out…and I honestly was so caught off guard I didn’t even know where to begin with my emotions).  Usually when I post I try to wrap it all up in the end with something we can all learn from or do better.  This post I think I have to go step by step.  This would be step one.  Although I don’t really agree or like going to bed angry…I also do not like talking things to death.  If you know how you feel and you know what you want to say then a discussion should never take more than ten minutes.  I knew this wouldn’t be the case.  I didn’t even know how I felt.  What part I was the most angry at.  What I really wanted to get across.  So with that in mind…yes…I gave myself space and time.

After a day (longest we have ever really been cold to each other)….I think I knew.  Now let me explain something…Andy loves me.  He is attentive, caring, kind, sweet and a million other nice words….but he is also honest…to a fault.  We don’t lie to each other.  Never have and probably never will.  There is never a reason in our relationship.  We know the other so much and we judge so little that we just like everything out in the open.  That being said during my 24 hour “self-figure out what your really mad about” I had a lot to do.

First….”thick” is not a nice word.  My “oh you have so much to learn” husband…thought it was a fine way of describing any woman who is not a size zero.  I beg to differ.  But knowing that he meant it with all the love in the world…almost like a compliment…can I really be mad? Of course! But I’m going to have to get over it and most importantly explain to him that the word does not mean the same thing to the both of us and he should immediately remove it from his vocabulary.  I also have to be honest with myself and say that I am no where near a zero….and it probably stung more because there was a ring of truth to it…and that was an issue I was super sensitive on.

Second…why do I wan to cry?  I’m sitting there trying to evaluate myself and my feelings and all I can ask is what am I really feeling?  The truth is…insecurity.  Size is an on-going battle in this house for the both of us.  We both try to work out and eat healthy and drop those unwanted pounds and we both fail many times and love pizza and beer.  So I ask myself…how could he possibly not know that this would hurt my feelings?  He should know better….well my friends….they don’t always know better until you tell them.

So the day after feeling evaluation…we decided to talk.  I told him….don’t ever use that term again with me…and I am already struggling with the pounds and you made me feel worse.  (I’m really trying to keep this factual to get to the main points)….he felt so bad.  He knew it was a poor choice of words and had done his own share of feeling-evaluation and knew it wasn’t the greatest idea….and of course…never wants to hurt me.

Apology Accepted.

:::tires screeching to a halt::: So why then after apology accepted was I still mad?  Three days later…still mad??!  Because I didn’t forgive.  I knew he felt bad…I knew he knew he hurt my feelings and just wanted to move on…and I told him we would…but then I didn’t.

I discovered this a few days later when I said to a friend “you know…he said he was sorry…but he hasn’t SHOWN he was sorry…he could….you know….um…….um….make dinner…or buy flowers…you know?”  And as I said the words I knew I was lying right through my teeth.  Because even if he did make dinner (which I for the most part enjoy doing for the both of us) or buy flowers (which we don’t like to do thanks to a tight budget)…I knew I would still be angry.  I would still be hurt.  So if I can’t even think of what he should do to “apologize” then how is he supposed to think of it????

So third….give space…time…and let love in.  I was mad for days.  It didn’t just go away because he said sorry.  I believe that is ok.  That is healthy.  I was healing from a cut and it was going to take time.  However my anger stopped me from seeing all the ways Andy was really trying to help.  He was doing all these little things around the house…he was giving me my space…trying to stay away and let me deal…and when he felt appropriate…he was trying to love me and remind me that he did….no matter what he said.  I couldn’t see most of that thanks to my hurt and anger…but looking back…it was there.  As it should be.  So let yourself be mad…but not for too long…and allow the other person to be sorry…love…and move on too.

Forth…get over it.  To some reading this it might seem so petty and stupid they can’t believe we wasted a week dealing with this.  To others maybe you think I should have been mad longer.  What do I gain from that?  Nothing.  When Andy and I are not doing well….we both…personally are not doing well.  Work is harder for me…I don’t feel like doing anything…being home is difficult and walking on eggshells is just something I don’t do well at all with anyway.  It’s not a healthy way to live and you need to move on.  For bigger problems…of course it will take longer…but just try to keep everything in perspective.  I woke up one morning a few days later and decided I was done with it…and I was.  You have to let it go.  You can’t keep a record of wrongs…you can’t wrong in order to “even the score”…you simply have to let it go.

1.  Space.  Breathe.  Do what you have to do.

2.  Get to the bottom.  What words exactly?  What’s the real problem?

3. Let them say they are sorry in their own way….not just yours.

4.  Get over it.  Move on.  Be happy.

Every day with Andy is a learning process.  Every day we live together we learn knew things about each other and easier ways to co-exist.  Every day we find out a little more about what makes the other tick…what they like/hate…what they need/want….how they love and how they want to be loved.  This argument was just one lesson of a million.  I just hope posting this actually can help somebody someday….Lord knows I don’t need the digital file of the first time my husband almost lost an eye 🙂

Article by Brenna Cudzilo

Wife and world record holder of wing-sauce ordered with food not comprised of the words "wings, boneless, buffalo, et al.".

One Comment

  1. Oh my Bren! You are so brave! Love your old soul for a body that is not so old! Proud of you both! Love you, Mom

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