I was so discouraged today. I have been telling people and telling myself that I’m halfway there! Four and a half months I say! Halfway! But today I did the math….four and a half months is what I was calling 18 weeks…yet a pregnancy is 40…which means…I have two more weeks to go before I proudly proclaim a halfway point.
I say discouraged because it has been pretty uneventful so far. I haven’t felt the baby move yet…I hear that’s right around the corner…and summer is passing me by while I feel like I can’t participate in much of it.
I told my Gram about some of my fears the day I told her I was pregnant. I think of her words multiple times a day. She said to me “It will change you…if you let it”.
I think those are some of the most profound words she honestly ever said. I like that it goes both ways. You see…when something bad happens to someone…it can change them. It can make them harder, more closed off, meaner or just alone. It can do a lot of things…if they let it. If they work hard, talk to people, pray and have the courage to move forward…it can not change them.
I think it’s the same for the good things. You have to LET them change you. You have the power over what happens. I think that so special. You could choose to not let pregnancy/motherhood change you. You really could. We’ve all seen moms that made that choice. But you can also choose to embrace the change. Embrace what’s happening to your body and let the process do the changing.
Whenever I feel discouraged, like this morning, or whenever I feel like I am not happy enough for this blessing and like I’m being ungrateful…whenever I feel like these feelings mean I will be a terrible mother because let’s be honest…everyone else is glowing by now right??….whenever I think these things I just remember what my Gram said to me. I close my eyes, I feel my belly, and I envision the future and all that it holds.
I see a baby, asleep on my chest…I see myself…sleeping on the floor out of exhaustion, I see my husband gaining a confidence he doesn’t yet have in his (what I know to be) amazing fatherhood skills…I see a toddler running around calling ME his mama. I see a new house with a big backyard that can exercise little legs as well as doggy legs. I see a tantrum in a grocery store that I will be ashamed of, I see a movie with my husband and a little person in between us. I see so much…and when I see those things I know for certain that it is changing me…that my Gram was right…you have to let the change happen…but when you do…it’s like free falling into something you were made to do.
I may not have found my pregnancy glow yet. I may find myself quite lonely most days as my life changes. I may have to work very hard at communicating what I need to my husband and we may have to work hard as a team to figure out what our friendship looks like now. This may be the time I am not a fan of….but I KNOW I am a fan of what is coming. And I KNOW that these feelings I have are no indication of the mother I will be. The change is coming, it’s happening now…and I am embracing it…I will be ready.