I’m so scared to jump…

I’ve been slacking. I haven’t been blogging. I have three serious followers. They told me keep going. So I’m going to keep going. I don’t care if it’s just you three…I appreciate you letting me vent, share my opinion, criticize and just plain rant and still read. Thank you. I have more. I’m going to give more. Better. So thank you.

I’ve been trying to really think about where I’m going…where Andy and I are going…who can I help? Who can I tell “you are not alone?”…and the truthful answer to that is I don’t know…maybe no one…but…BUT…maybe someone.

Maybe just one person who sees the share of a share of a share of this blog…maybe someone searching the Internet for someone else going through whatever it is they are…maybe just someone who needs to escape their current life and read someone else’s for a minute….but someone….somewhere….needs this blog…I feel it like I feel the need for a baby in our family that hasn’t been needed before…

I’m here. Person. I don’t know where you are. Your gender. Your marital status. Your time in this life. I don’t know you. But I do. I’m here. Im with you. And I’m sorry I took a minute to decide where this “blog” was going…but as sure as I know my hubby loves me, I know that I write for a reason. So stick with me and we’ll get through this together. We’ll decide on a family together. And well talk about all the terrible things that happen to your body when you’re pregnant together. And we’ll get through it….together.

The decision to have a baby is monumentous. I’m lucky to have made it to a point in my life where I can decide. I know many people get “surprised”. There is constant doubt. There is a never ending feeling of “I will never be good enough”. There are so many questions that no one can answer but you….adoption (to give your own baby up to a wonderful family or maybe to take a baby from someone not ready)…to try and hope (will my uterus work when my sisters didn’t? Will I have to wait years to kiss my baby? Should we just not bother and search to help others?….the doubts…the questions….they never end nor do they ever have a solid answer…

Two weeks ago my husband and I were sitting in applebees…we saw a table come in behind us…a cute couple with a munchkin who was not more than two…Andy looked and me and said “we need to do this…I want to…and we’re gonna be great”….all the things a woman needs to hear right?

But then later that night his friend came over, we all had a few drinks, went to bed a little late, but no big deal because all Andy had to get up for was to play hockey and i had to go to work but not until 9….yet as I laid in bed looking at something on my phone of no importance my husband said to me “are we really ready for this to stop?”

Let me make this clear: he didn’t mean the drinking. We were both sober enough to drive just by the time we went to bed….he meant…doing what we want…when we want….

This from the man who two hours ago said “I want a baby” in Applebees….how can I keep up?…

Wouldn’t I love to blame just him…but if I’m being honest I said to him in bed that night “I have no idea what I’m ready for on a daily basis”…

It’s so scary….it’s so life ruining (depending on the who you talk to)…it’s so demanding…it’s so scary….yet everyone says “its so rewarding..it’s so worth it…I would never look back”

Well excuse me for asking but do you say that just because you CANT ever look back?

I have no doubt in my mind I’m going to be a great mama…I know Andy is going to be a great daddy…but when, when is the right time…I don’t think you ever really know…I just think the hole in your heart becomes so big you know you need to fill it.

We’re there. We both have holes…we both need filling…and we’re ready. I know we are. We are also just so damn scared that we want to be the “best” parents out there I think we keep scaring ourselves right out of it….

We’re gonna do it….soon I think…

I don’t know…

Maybe a while…

Maybe we should adopt first…but Andy thinks we should have our own first THEN adopt…

You see where I’m going?

It will happen…were gonna do this…

We are two people, so in love, so ready to share our love…I know we can give it to someone good…adopted or made by us…

I feel like we are both standing on the edge of a diving board…we both know we have to jump…we know we want to jump…we know that neither of us want to walk back down the ladder…

We’re standing at the end..and we are holding hands…starring at each other…each just looking at the other to make the first step toward the jump…

We’re about to jump…we know the water will be warm and full of love…it just looks so high from up here…

We’re coming…were jumping…almost…three…two….maybe just one more minute….

Article by Brenna Cudzilo

Wife and world record holder of wing-sauce ordered with food not comprised of the words "wings, boneless, buffalo, et al.".

12 Comments


  1. Great article Brenna! I do read what you write. I think they are excellent! It is a hard job, but it’s amazing! You will be an excellent Mom!

  2. As I drink my coffee, one word comes to mind: JUMP! You’ll never have enough time, money or room for the little cherubs, but love trumps it all. xoxo

    1. Hi,About the microwave: I’m a physicist and the way it works is that the microwave takes the watermolecules in your food and vibrates them very rapidly causing the water to heat up. Which is basically exactly the same way which happens if you put an external heat source to it like the oven or something, but it’s just highly efficient, so there is nothing different to food cooked in the microwave or cooked in boiling water. I don’t have articles to back up my opinion, but in any case I’m never worried when I use the microwave :D(will definitely try the cookies 🙂 )

  3. I read these also…we’re at the other end of the pool on a diving board with the same measurements. This is very similar to our life decisions we’re facing right now. It is very comforting (in a weird way) to know and read another’s crazed thoughts of this dilemma. Thanks for sharing….you are not alone.

  4. Your heart will fill to overflowing with your child. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, like it. Different from the love for your parents. Different from the love for your man. It’s hard no matter how you prepare, but the rewards are, to me, what life is all about. To see your helpless, innocent baby grow into a strong, good, wonderful person…Brenna…you and Andy will probably lay there now and then and miss some of your freedom, but that is short term, relatively speaking. If you know in your heart that you are meant to be a mom…then be a mom.

  5. You will never feel ready! I still don’t lol !! There will be a peace in both of your hearts and your minds when it happens!! So get ready to Jump!! love you Brenna!

  6. As a non parent, I don’t have much to add, but I can’t imagine anyone being ready to have a child. You may think you are, but then the day comes and you start treading water just like everyone else. What I do know is what a great mother you will be. I see how you parent your 3 dogs, I see what a big heart you have, I know how badly you want to share your love and home with a child, and I say it doesn’t get more prepared than the two of you. I think what it really boils down to is if you are ready to stop living the life you and Andy have now. I know for myself, I had a brief visit with the idea, and then life happened. And now I’m so glad that it did. I can’t imagine it any other way (at least not without a huge knot in my stomach), so if the fear of jumping is that great then it probably isn’t time. However, if it’s just a nagging seed of doubt, then grow a pair and jump-in my humble opinion.

  7. Oh my Bren! You both have thought this through….you both are considerate good people…you both will be great parents! You won’t get everything right! You won’t be the perfect parents, no one IS! You will be loving, smart, kind, and also willing to learn new ways! There is no perfect time..you just need to be ready to put yourself second, or third!!( or fourth, fifth etc. you get the idea!). Andy is right and you should TRY for your own first, you don’t know Gods plan! Then maybe consider saving the world! Remember life is ALWAYS changing and the sacrifices you make will only be for a season! Then you move on to a different season…so JUMP already!!! I am getting older! Love you!

  8. First, make sure that hole you feel is being filled first by Jesus! I’m sure you already know that but just a reminder! 😉 and secondly, there is never a “good” time to have a baby. They flip everything upside-down so you gain a “new normal” after a couple of months of sleep deprivation. (I don’t know what I’m gonna do with the 2nd one coming any day now!) but I do know that while yes, you do have to give up a lot of “doing what you want when you want to do it” because you are attempting to be the best parent to your child, once they reach a somewhat stable age with a routine, you can plan for a date night or a night or two away with your husband and you can do whatever you want when you want to do it kid free! Those planned dates on the calendar are refreshing and you really can do whatever! Do what you do before having a kid! But having them, either biologically or adopted is the greatest blessing & to have the responsibility to try to show them the love of Jesus every day is my greatest challenge! I want more than anything for my kids to come to know and love The Lord at a young age. That’s what it’s about…anyways, sorry for the rambling, just know it is worth it, whatever way you go about growing your family! ❤️

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