I guess, the beginning.

As I’ve said before, the reason for the start of this blog was to keep an online diary where I can remember my feelings. I’ve failed at the frequency of which I’ve wanted to document them because I constantly battle with if my current feelings deserve a blog post or if they are insignificant. I’m trying to get over that and just write this for me, as it was intended.

I thought these blogs would lead somewhere. I thought I knew their pattern. I asked my hubby to secure the domain name long before we started trying for a baby. He did and I started writing about if and when we would be ready. Maybe that would be my story.

But then the baby came pretty quick, a few months after trying…so not too hard. And her journey into this world was impossibly hard and yet flawless at the same time. Something I didn’t think was worth noting. Then our marriage fell apart. We struggled, got counseled, got better, and moved, bought a bigger house, my hubby got a better job…and everything just kept seeming so normal I felt like there was nothing anyone could relate to.

But I was oh so wrong. We’ve had journeys. Fights. Arguments. Discussions. Blow outs. Fights about the baby. Fights about us. Fights about money. Fights about life. Fights about who works more, who makes more, who does more and who shoulders more. So many fights.

I didn’t realize until recently, these fights are what made us relatable. Everyone has these I know. I just had the power to write about them and I didn’t. So once again, I’m going to try and write about them more. But in the mean time, there is a fight, happening almost daily…that I know too many can understand.

I’m not pregnant. Again. We’ve been trying, and trying….and taken so many tests…and taken so many pills…and I’m not. I was at the trampoline park with my daughter today and her cousins who were brought by their grandpa, my dad. Taken three tests in 24 hours I was still oh so hopeful….until I jumped twice and knew what was happening. Embarrassment. Shame. Disappointment. Sadness. I can’t even tell you all the emotions wrapped up in those moments. Every month I hope, every month is a sad story.

They have me on clomid. 50 mg they said and after a few months they would up it. No biggie, a pill. I took it, tried it and when it didn’t work I called for the higher dosage. They said no-go because of other reasons and said it’s time for me to see the fertility specialist.

Let me make this clear, the fertility specialist is not anything anyone wants to hear…ever.

I cried about it. Then when I told my hubby he said “ok…so we’ll do that”. So matter of fact. So unhurt. So Not disappointed….I was mad at him for not feeling my feelings!!! How dare you? Don’t you understand? It’s not working! We don’t have the money!! We don’t have our baby!! And yet he was cool as they come..

I’ve realized after a few years married he doesn’t react how I do…but sometimes…I need him to. After calming down I told him this was one of those times…I needed him to be upset with me. Be mad with me. Yell with me. But he was still calm and cool.  I tried to take that and learn from that. I have tried to stop crying for the baby that isn’t here, and embrace the one who is. I have tried to stop longing for the kids I dreamed of, and invest in the one I have, stop nagging myself for being a woman who can’t produce and start praising myself for a woman who is a wonderful mom. I have tried to shift my mentality. I have tried to be grateful and appreciative of what God has given me. I fail many times, and still hate new baby posts a little bit…but I’m getting there. I am trying to love my journey and not plan for six months from now, but plan for tomorrow. God knows what I want, but He also knows what I need…so I’m going to try and let Him decide how this plays out. I’m going to try and just roll with it, live every day, love my little family, focus on my relationship and bettering it, and just being a great mom to the one blessing I was given…I’m going to try…really try…and I’m just going to pray that God knows me…and what I want…and we’ll go from there.


Ps. Foster/adoption baby…..if you’re out there…Mama  is already thinking about you. You are wanted.




Article by Brenna Cudzilo

Wife and world record holder of wing-sauce ordered with food not comprised of the words "wings, boneless, buffalo, et al.".

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