Fighting for the wrong thing

We fought this week. Like, just the one day…not the whole week. We can’t do that. Either of us. We miss each other too bad. Need each other to talk to. Thank the Lord for that. And thank God we are also both big enough to admit when we are wrong. This time…..::sigh::….it was me.

I don’t think I’m alone in this, but I’ll tell you what happened anyway. I got upset. About something, yes too personal for this blog. But I got upset and knew it was foolish to be upset about it. I have a saying that “what makes you upset matters”….meaning…it doesn’t matter if it’s something most people would tell you that you should just get over, if it upsets YOU then YOU are allowed to be upset about it and just talk about it.

So I didn’t even follow my own advice. I told myself I was foolish. Yet as the night went on…the feelings didn’t go away…they grew. Poor Andy had no idea what was in my head…and then I got mad silently that he wasn’t a mind reader!

So I made a stupid choice. And I started a fight. I picked it from the first word. I knew what I was doing with every word that came out of my mouth. And I picked a fight over something I knew would call for fighting words back. It was crazy. Then during the fight…that we didn’t even need to have…hurtful words were actually spoken. Words we can’t take back. And then the fake fight turned into a real fight!

I called my mom….because I think that’s what most of us do. And like a great mom she got involved very little, said little, validated my feelings, reminded me we were great and said it will all be better in the morning. And it was.

By ten in the morning I had to text him. And I didn’t mince words or play games….I told him the truth. I told him I was wrong, I was sorry for picking the fight and I told him what I was really upset about….and he said he already forgave me. Our day went on and when I got home from work late that night we sat on the couch and snuggled for a minute without words. ¬†Each of us silently forgiving the other for anything that was said.

Why? Why did I ignore my OWN advice and not just own up to my feelings? Andy has always been understanding and I’m sure he would have then too. But I think sometimes us women assume things. We assume he won’t understand. Assume he won’t say the right thing. And instead….we let the feelings build and build until the come bubbling out in the form of not taking out the trash for the tenth time or something else irrelevant.

I know women and men are wired differently…but can you just image the reverse. You know something is wrong with your husband and they are just assuming you won’t understand? That’s devastating to us. We pride ourselves on being “healers” and “consolers”…we like to fix things…and yet not being trusted with even the chance? That’s not fair.

So as a reminder as it was to me…and as I wanted it to be to anyone reading…or husbands can’t read minds…but their minds can surprise us. As in, if we actually just communicate our feelings…we could be pleasantly surprised by their love and support…which is honestly all we’re ever after in the first place.

So the next time you feel the feelings building up inside…or when you notice the way he is breathing is starting to bother you….stop…take a breath of your own…and begin to communicate the truth. The facts. It will be healing just to speak them out loud. And I’ll bet the reaction you get surprises you too.

Dont cheat them out of an opportunity to help you. Lord knows we LOVE the opportunity to help them. And allow yourself to be consoled and held by someone who once promised to stick with you no matter what….and yes…in between sickness and in health there’s a part that says “for whatever rediculous reason they might be upset”.

 

 

P.S. Being the one admiting they were wrong never feels good. But seeing or hearing the relief in your partners voice not having to say it for once is totally worth it.

 

Article by Brenna Cudzilo

Wife and world record holder of wing-sauce ordered with food not comprised of the words "wings, boneless, buffalo, et al.".

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